Spike's Angel
by SquirlK
Summary: Set immediately after 'Gone'. Spike's trying to understand what happened with Buffy and gets comfort from the most unexpected source.


Spike's Angel

Disclaimer: As always, not even owning the pocket lint.

Summary: Takes place immediately after 'Gone.' Spike gets comfort from the most unexpected source.

A/N: This started out as one thing and became something entirely different. Hope you like it.

Reviews: Go ahead, feed the muse. But please, no flames, dusting not my thing. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Thanks to everyone who reviewed any of my other stories. You guys rule!

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Spike put his clothes on and remade the bed. He was still reeling with the knowledge that he had kicked Buffy out. Where in Bloody Hell had that come from? He wanted her with his entire being and should have been happy to have her here in any circumstances. Still it made him crazy to think that she'd only come to him because she wasn't visible. Sure he was Love's Bitch. He would always admit to that but there was something about how she acted while the Whelp was there that ate at his pride. He had been trying to repair the shattered remnants of his pride and today's antics had shredded the fabric once more.

Growling, he slammed his fist into the wall and laughed grimly at the bloodied knuckles. He sank down on his bed dispiritedly. He didn't know what to do. He loved his slayer with all his unbeating heart but didn't know how long he could stand making love to her knowing she was just using him. He stood up, unable to be still for long. Pacing, he ran his hands thru his hair. The pain in his chest was growing, if his heart had been beating he would have thought he was having a heart attack.

He needed a drink, or to kill something, preferably both. He charged up the ladder thru the trap door and left the crypt. It was still early enough that the bars were in full swing. Spike went straight to Willie's and got a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Not feeling in the least bit sociable, he took his bottle and went back to the cemetery but didn't return to his crypt. He wandered around the graveyard sipping straight from the bottle. He really was in the mood to kill something but luck wasn't with him. He didn't even see any fledgling vampires to dust.

Eventually he found himself next to Joyce Summers headstone. He sat at the base of the tree next to the grave and finished his bottle. It had been the largest bottle of JD that Willie sold so Spike was well toasted by the time he finished it. Leaning against the tree he rested his head against the rough bark. The pain was catching up to him again and he felt unwilling tears welling up in his dark blue eyes. He missed Joyce so much. She always listened to him when he needed someone to talk to. She always gave him hot chocolate with mini marshmallows while they talked. He loved her almost as much as his own mother and felt her loss each day.

He sat in silence for a moment trying to control the wayward tears. He took a deep unneeded breath.

"Why won't she love me?" He whispered sadly. "Joyce please explain this to me. I hurt so much. I don't know how much longer I can do this. It would be kinder if she just took a stake and ended my miserable existence."

Idly he picked up a sharp tree branch and started playing with it. He let out a bitter laugh. "Maybe I should just do it myself and end this hell my unlife has become." He muttered drunkenly. Quickly before he could change his mind, he lifted the stake and started it on its deadly path toward his heart.

Just as the wood reached his chest a hand grabbed his wrist stopping the fatal descent.

"No, I can't let you do this." A female voice said firmly.

Spike looked up at his rescuer and blinked in shock. The branch fell from his suddenly nerveless fingers as he gazed up into the smiling hazel eyes of the last person he expected to see. Joyce Summers smiled softly down at him.

"You really didn't think I'd let my favorite vampire dust himself did you?" She asked, amused at his stunned expression.

"What? How? HUH?" Spike was pretty much incoherent and was swiftly sobering up.

She sat down next to the stuttering blond and patted his arm. "The what is me, the how is the Powers That Be and I really don't have an answer for 'huh'." She smiled as she tried to assure him everything was all right. "The Powers sent me to you to stop you from making a huge mistake. You can't stake yourself. I've been watching you. I know what you're going through." She told him.

He hung his head. "God, some of the things I've done lately. I don't like the idea that you've seen them. I'm sorry."

Joyce lifted his head with a finger under his chin. "YOU have nothing to be sorry for. My daughter on the other hand.." She let the sentence end slowly. Gazing into his blue eyes, she continued. "I've seen your love for Buffy. I've seen the sacrifices you've made for her. I watched you grieve for her when she died and morn her resurrection after you found out she'd been in heaven. I watched the pain and torment you suffered protecting both my girls. And I've seen her misuse you over and over." He closed his eyes and turned his head in denial. "No, listen to me. I love Buffy. She is and always will be my daughter. I will always love her no matter what. But right now, I'm not very proud of her. She does have feelings for you but refuses to admit them, even to herself. She's afraid to let herself love again." She cupped her hand around his face. He leaned into her palm and keeping his eyes closed savored the comforting touch.

Joyce's heart broke at the look on the young vampire's face. He so desperately needed someone to love him. She decided to tell him how long she had been looking out for him.

"William." He looked up at the unexpected use of his human name. "Shall I tell you how long I've been watching you?" She needed to make sure he understood what she was going to tell him.

"I don't understand. Why have you been watching me?" He looked over at her in puzzlement. She smiled at him and leaned back against the tree, unmindful of the beautiful white dress she wore. Taking his hand in hers, she squeezed his fingers reassuringly. He looked down at their joined hands and then at the woman (ghost?) sitting next to him. "Tell me." He sighed.

"Do you remember when I died?" She asked gently.

Tears once again glittered in his eyes. He nodded, unable to speak.

"That was the day I was assigned to look after you. The Powers That Be knew that you would need help and I was chosen to be... well... your guardian angel, if you will."

Spike stood up and started to pace. "NO. Don't tell me you had to die so you can be my bloody guardian angel. I can't accept that." He yelled. He knelt on one knee in front of Joyce. "Please tell me it's not why you died." He begged.

She shook her head. "No, Dear Heart. It was my time to go. I had another mission, yes, but it's not WHY I died."

He paled at the endearment. "That's what my mother called me when I was a child." He whispered hoarsely.

She smiled gently. "I know. She told me. We've become quite good friends. They wouldn't let her be your protector because she wouldn't have been able to allow what you had to endure. It was difficult for me to watch but I knew you would survive. Besides, how do you think those chains got so loose when Glory had you? And why do you think that you didn't fall on anything wooden when you got thrown from that tower? I wish I had been able to keep you from injury but I couldn't. Every thing that happened that night was how it was supposed to be. You couldn't have done anything differently. I know that hurts to hear but it's true. Just like Willow bringing her back. It may seem wrong but everything happened for a reason. I can't interfere with what's supposed to happen. I can only stand by you and watch over you and protect you when I can." She tugged him back down to sit beside her once more. Regaining possession of his hand, she ran her fingers over the bloodied knuckles. "You really have to stop beating up your walls." She mused.

"Why did they wait until you died to give me a protector?" He asked almost hesitantly.

"Because you didn't need one until then. When the Powers realized how much you were going to suffer and what you were destined for they decided you could no longer be alone." Joyce paused, wondering how much she should tell him. She certainly wasn't going to tell him how much more grief he was in for. Her heart ached just thinking about it. "You were nearly destroyed by Buffy's death and resurrection. The only thing that kept you going was your promise to protect Dawn. I can't thank you enough for that. But, I have to tell you, you scared me a couple of times. But tonight, the Powers decided that you needed to know you're not alone. If I hadn't come to you, you would have dusted yourself. That would have been wrong. You are needed more than you know. Buffy needs time to realize her true feelings. I know she has them for you. I've peeked in on her from time to time. I know she thinks she's just using you but deep down she cares for you."

"Way deep down." Spike said sullenly. He looked at Joyce then quickly looked away again. "Umm.. if she decides to 'use' me some more, could you.. uh.. go and visit the Niblet. Maybe. Not visit like this you know but more.. uh.. spiritually I guess. I think that maybe I'll have a bit of.. um.. performance anxiety if I think you're hovering and watching." He cringed as he finished. If he hadn't been a vampire he would have blushed deep red at his stammered request. He was still suffering the wiggins at her hint that she knew exactly what he'd been doing with and to her daughter.

She laughed. He was so cute. She really loved her charge. She had seen his strength, his courage and his devotion to both her daughters. "Yes, I think that can be arranged." She held her arms out. "Come here." He just looked at her uncomprehendingly. Tugging his hand, she pulled him into a warm hug. Cradling his head against her shoulder she held him in a mother's embrace. Suddenly, it was all too much for him and the tears he'd been holding back spilled. Stroking her hand through his platinum curls she soothed him as he wept. For long moments she held him as all the pain and anger drained from his trembling body. He pulled away and wiped his face dry. Unable to meet her eyes, he got to his feet. She stood up as well.

"It will be sunrise soon. You need to get home." She said softly. He turned and looked at her.

"I don't want to leave you." He said.

She smiled. "You're not leaving me. I'm always with you remember? That's what guardian angels do." She kissed him softly on the cheek. "Remember that feeling, whenever Buffy comes to see you, I'll kiss you just like that to let you know I'm giving you some privacy. I'll do it again when I return."

He nodded and bit his bottom lip, looking for all the world like a forlorn little boy. "You're staying with me?" He asked hesitantly.

She nodded. "Now go or my visit will have been wasted and you'll be dust. Can't have that."

Spike headed for his crypt, turning once more to look but she was gone.

"Can I have one of those kisses now? Just so I know this wasn't a dream." He murmured. Sure enough, the butterfly softness of her kiss touched his cheek. He smiled and made his way to the safety of his crypt to get the best sleep he'd had in a long, long time.

Finis

A/N: I had a totally different title and plot for this story but Joyce just kinda came in and took over.


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